


Better Kept in the Dark

by quicksilvermalec



Category: Supernatural, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: (again. spoilers), Alec Lightwood Angst, Alec Lightwood Feels, Alec Lightwood is Sam Winchester and Dean Winchester's Younger Brother, Alec tries not to have feelings, Angst, BAMF Alec Lightwood, Dean Winchester is Not a Winchester, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Hurt Alec Lightwood, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Don't Even Know, I Tried, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I guarantee this is OOC, I'm so sorry, Jace Wayland is a Lightwood, M/M, Mentions of Canonical Character Death, Mentions of the Apocalypse, No One Is Particularly Happy, Sad Alec Lightwood, Sad Dean Winchester, Sad Sam Winchester, Sam Winchester and Dean Winchester are Not Perfect People, Sam Winchester is Not a Winchester, Sam and Dean Have Made Some Mistakes, Sam and Dean are Lightwoods (spoilers), This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, but the first half is just fluff, cause fuck the movie, didn't think so, do I look like a fucking writer to you, enjoooooy?, he fails, i can't believe myself, mentions of Samifer, the ship not the person, this is such a weird-ass combination of book and show
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-22
Updated: 2019-10-22
Packaged: 2020-12-28 11:03:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21135662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quicksilvermalec/pseuds/quicksilvermalec
Summary: “Ourlittle sister?” Izzy demanded. Alec nodded, gritting his teeth.“Yeah, Izzy. Our. These two are Sam and Dean Lightwood, our older brothers.”orWhen two people Alec Lightwood never thought he'd see again walk (or rather,drive, that ridiculous antique car) back into his life, he abruptly has to learn how to wrestle with his feeling about that - and them.





	Better Kept in the Dark

**Author's Note:**

> My beta isn't online and I've been working on this for several days and I really want to get it posted, so it's unbeta'd, and I hope it's okay.
> 
> Enjoy!!

“Izzy, on your left!” Jace screamed. Izzy whirled, driving her seraph blade into a Shax demon’s chest. She grinned at her brother, her face splattered with ichor.

“Thanks, bro. Watch your six- oh, wait, nevermind. Your boyfriend’s got it,” she teased, as Simon bore down on another partially mangled demon that was making a vain attempt to grab at Jace from behind. Jace recoiled away from both her and the flush that was creeping up his neck.

“He’s not my boyfriend, Iz,” he muttered. Izzy grinned at him.

“He would be, if you’d ask him out,” she reminded him.

Just then, Alec backpedaled through the space between them, shooting down flying demons at an alarming speed. “Hello, siblings. We’re in the middle of a battle. You two can debate Jace’s love life later.”

Izzy rolled her eyes fondly at her brothers and uncoiled her whip, dropping back into a defensive stance and attacking the offending monsters from the eighth circle of hell.

Twenty-five minutes later (yes, it only took them twenty-five minutes. This is what you get when you have five of the best Shadowhunters in the Clave-in-Exile and one of the most powerful warlocks in the world against a bunch of _Shax demons_) they’d finished their battle and were in the final stages of post-battle cleaning-up.

Alec rounded a corner into an alley and found two figures leaning against a black car. He peered into the alleyway, then decided against it.

He turned away and rejoined his family.

~*~*~*~

The following day, as he was taking Izzy to a local Mexican restaurant (as part of their weekly sibling ritual), he saw that same black car from earlier, only now it was parallel-parked on the side of the road, and he squinted at it for a second, as if he could figure out why it intrigued him so much.

He sighed, took Izzy’s hand, and led her inside.

They spent the meal laughing and talking and rapidly flipping between English and Spanish. When they finished their food, Alec made to pay while Izzy went to the bathroom. He stood up and came almost face-to-face with the guy from the next booth over. He was tall, with shoulder-length brown hair and hazel eyes. And as soon as he saw Alec, his eyes widened and his jaw dropped.

“Alec Lightwood?” he whispered, sounding awed. Alec’s defenses automatically went up.

“Who are you and why do you know my name?” he demanded. The man’s face fell.

“Of… of course you wouldn’t remember,” he said mostly to himself. He extended a hand. “Hi. My name’s Sam Winchester.”

Alec felt his brain exploding in his head. He grabbed Sam’s hand. “Sam… it’s really you? You’re really here? Is this actually happening?”

Sam nodded at him, looking about as shocked as Alec felt. “Wait, I, uh… I have someone who’ll wanna see you. Come outside.” Alec shook his head.

“I’m here with someone as well. Uh… meet me back at the Institute? Please tell me you don’t have anything else to do.”

Sam smiled a little tightly. “Consider my day cleared. We’ll see you in ten.” He walked past Alec out the door and Alec watched him go, grinning a little. A few seconds later, Izzy joined him, wiping her hands on her ‘civilian clothing’. At the almost giddy look on his face, she faltered.

“What happened, Alec? Did you snort some coke while I was in the ladies’ room?”

Alec shook his head dazedly, still staring at the door. “No, I’m fine Izzy. C’mon, let’s get back to the Institute.”

~*~*~*~

When he arrived back at the Institute, Sam was already there, along with his ‘person who’d want to see Alec’. Alec’s heart skipped a beat as his eyes slid over his face. He couldn’t help his relieved exhalation.

It took him a second to see Clary, Jace, and Simon staring at the two intruders with confusion and some suspicion. He wanted to reassure them, but he also wanted to rejoice a little bit, so he made a compromise.

“Dean!” he almost screamed, running towards the slightly shorter of the two and throwing his arms around him. Dean laughed and hugged him back tentatively, a little taken aback by the force of Alec’s entire two hundred pounds flying at him at once.

“Woah, chill out, kiddo,” he murmured. “I’m almost forty, I can’t take alla this at once.”

Alec laughed, pulling away from Dean. “Sorry, man. Forgot.”

Dean pulled a face. “Oh yeah? You just _conveniently forgot _how old I am?”

“’Least I ain’t callin’ ya ‘old man’,” Alec joked, grinning at the way Sam’s lips turned up at the corners. He turned to the taller one.

“Damn, Sammy. You got _tall_. Bet Dean wan’t too happy about that, was he?” He was slipping into the more careless almost-Southern accent he always affected around the boys. Fuck.

“Nah, he wasn’t. But I got him in the height game and you got him in the archery game, I think it all evens out at some point.”

Just then, a dry voice from behind them interrupted, “I’m so sorry to break up this touching reunion, but could _someone _tell me what’s going on, who these two people are, and why you know them?”

Alec took a deep breath before turning back to his sister. “Right, uh… guys, this is our little sister Isabelle. She was born just under a year after…” _After. _That was a conversation that was very clearly, from the looks in both of their eyes, to be tabled for later. Alec swallowed. “Yeah.”

“_Our_ little sister?” Izzy demanded. Alec nodded, gritting his teeth.

“Yeah, Izzy. Our. These two are Sam and Dean Lightwood, our older brothers.” Sam extended a hand to Isabelle.

“Hi. I’m Sam Winchester- no, _Lightwood_, and this is my brother, Dean Lightwood.”

Izzy’s jaw dropped. “You’re _Lightwoods_?”

Dean nodded. “In the flesh.”

Alec interjected again. “And a few years after she was born, we got Jace.” He pointed to the blond. “Foster brother, best friend, and my _parabatai_.”

Dean stared at him, openmouthed. “You have a _parabatai_? Dude, that’s awesome!”

Alec smiled gratefully. “Thank you.”

Sam turned back to Izzy. “Well, we’ll need to get to know you better. Now that we’re… apparently back in New York to stay.”

Dean threw Sam a look, and Sam shot one back, and they had an entire conversation through purely eye contact. Alec had to admit that he was just a little bit jealous. After several seconds, Dean seemed to concede, but not before muttering, “bitch,” at his brother. Sam grinned, and responded in kind.

“Jerk.”

Alec took a deep breath and clapped his hands together. “Okay, so you’ve met Izzy and Jace. This is Clary, Isabelle’s girlfriend, and Simon, her best friend. They’re newer to this – Clary only found out she was a Shadowhunter like, eight years ago, and Simon only Ascended like five years ago – but they’re family.” This last he says with such power and finality that he _makes sure _they can’t miss it. He won’t have them mistreating his family, any part of it.

But Dean nodded like he knew exactly what he was talking about. (He might have; the thought bothered Alec for some reason) “Yeah, I understand, Shrimp. Family don’t end in blood.”

Which caused something else to occur to the Shadowhunter. “You guys need to meet Magnus.” He blurted it out without thinking, and everyone’s heads turned to him. “I mean… they do, don’t they? They should know him, they should-” He was rambling.

“Chill, little brother,” Dean told him, and Alec took a deep breath. It had been a really long time since he’d even allowed himself to remember that he had big brothers. He needed that reminder.

“You guys need to meet Magnus,” Alec repeated with conviction, and Sam smiled.

“Great. Lead the way.”

And off they went to the loft.

~*~*~*~

Magnus was pleasantly surprised when his Alexander shoved open the door to his loft without announcing himself in any way first. He continued to be pleasantly surprised as Jace, then Isabelle, then Clary, and then Simon filed in behind him, and when two men he didn’t recognize joined them as well, he was still pleasantly surprised with a sprinkling of puzzled and bemused.

“Hey, Magnus,” Alec murmured first thing, in that special low tone he always reserved just for Magnus, the one that sent shivers down Magnus’ spine every time without fail. “I’m home.”

“Yes you are,” Magnus replied. “C’mere you sexy thing.” He smirked as Alec joined him and intertwined their fingers, facing their unidentified guests with a look of apprehension.

“Magnus,” he announced in the tone of someone introducing two groups of friends and terrified they wouldn’t mesh well. “This is Sam and Dean Lightwood, my long-lost – much as I hate _that _cliché – older brothers. Sam, Dean, this is my husband Magnus Bane.”

“_Husband_?” The tall one – was he Sam or was the other one Sam? – spluttered. “You’re married?” Alec nodded. “Dude, congratulations!” Tall Lightwood half-shouted, grinning like a maniac. He turned to the other one. “Dean, he’s married.” He faked a look of parental nostalgia. “Baby boy’s all grown up.”

Dean wiped at a nonexistent tear. “Never thought I’d see the day,” he mused thoughtfully. Alec creatively flipped them off.

“You know, you guys were gone for twenty-five years. A lot changes in twenty-five years. People grow up. People meet super-hot warlocks. People get married. And by ‘people’ I mean me, and by ‘people’, I also mean me.”

“And by ‘people’ you mean you, we get it,” Dean grumbled. “Let us have our fun, squirt.”

“Nah, I think I’m just going to tell Jace to show you to your crappy Institute bedroom – have fun sleeping on _that _mattress! – and stay here with Magnus. Bye! See ya in the mornin’!”

Sam and Dean shared a look, then shrugged, and Magnus almost swore as they all left that he heard Sam tell his brother, “it probably can’t be worse than any of the motels we’ve stayed in.” Magnus knew firsthand that they were very, very wrong. It could be worse, and it was.

~*~*~*~

“So, you gonna train with me or not?” Alec demanded of his brothers the second they got any free time. Sam grinned at him and Dean eyed the weapons room door the way he always used to eye his pies. Alec took those expressions to mean _heall yeah, they would_ and tapped them each on the shoulder, shouting “race ya!” and sprinting down the hall to the weapons room.

Dean and Sam were hot on his heels, but he still beat them, and managed to grab a seraph blade before either of them were even in the room. He smirked at them, declaring the one he was holding “Gabriel” before handing it to Dean. He didn’t miss the way Dean looked down at it for a second, then handed it to Sam. He also didn’t miss the way Sam turned bright fucking red. What was that about?

He made to hand Dean another one (this one named ‘Michael’, which both Sam and Dean laughed at for some reason) when Dean reached around him for a brand-new one. “Castiel,” he told the handle, and the blade flared to life in his hands. Sam stared at him with a little-brother smirk on his face, but Alec just watched him in awe for several seconds before clearing his throat.

“So… training room?”

“Fuck yes,” the boys said in unison, and even if no one had been able to tell they were related before, the identical looks of childlike joy they were wearing would have definitely revealed it.

It was chaos – a one-on-one-on-one mad rush for power and any advantage one could possibly get that eventually devolved into the three of them wrestling on the padded floor, breathing hard and laughing like eight-year-olds instead of grown men with <strike>no</strike> dignity.

When they all finally recovered, they glanced up to find the rest of Alec’s family watching him from the doorway. But none of them looked angry or disapproving; in fact, they looked really happy for Alec. Just for that, he stood up, walked over to them, and hugged all four of them in turn, because he really loved them. Sam and Dean watched him from the floor with fond smiles, and Alec was safe. Thank the Angel for his family.

~*~*~*~

“God_damn _Cherrim demons!” Alec screamed as he tried to shoot the offending demons out of the sky – with minimal luck. “I hate these sons of bitches with a burning passion.”

“I second!” called Dean from where he was crouched behind a log – a fucking log – waiting for the right moment to pull out his double daggers and attack.

“Oh, same here!” Sam shouted from fifty feet away where he was surrounded by a ring of the motherfuckers, who’d landed and were advancing slowly on him, but quickly enough for him to struggle to hit them with his adamas bullets. (And that was one brilliant invention, by the way.)

The three of them had taken this mission together – the first mission Alec had been offered since Sam and Dean came back – and now they were kind of wishing they had backup. Or at the very least, Alec was wishing they had backup, and he shouted as much at his brothers.

Sam gave Dean a meaningful look, and Dean shot back a very put-upon-older-brother one in response, but then he closed his eyes and started to speak.

“Our angel, who art probably not in Heaven, please come down here and save us, for Sam and Dean and also Alec need you amen.”

About three seconds later, a man appeared in the middle of the battlefield, extended his hand, balled it into a fist and brought it downward in a sweeping motion. Every single demon in the area fell to the ground immediately.

He turned to Alec, looking at him curiously. Alec couldn’t help but notice the same things he was sure Magnus would have noticed – black hair, blue eyes, strong jawline – this guy was _hot_. And he had just _appeared _out of nowhere, like…

“Who _are _you?” Alec asked, staring at him in awe. Behind him, Sam and Dean were smirking.

“My name is Castiel. I’m an Angel of the Lord.”

Alec stared at him for a very long moment, then yelled, “holy _shit_!”

Dean snickered as he climbed over his log to stand next to Castiel, and Sam watched him and burst out laughing. Dean smacked his brother on the back of the head, then slung a careless arm across Castiel’s shoulder. “See, Shrimp, this is Cas. Cas is just about the coolest angel _ever_, and we would know, cause we’ve met most of ‘em.”

“Cas is _also_,” Sam cut in, glancing at Dean pointedly, “Dean’s boyfriend.”

Alec took a deep breath, inhaling very slowly, then exhaling very slowly. “Okay, we’re gonna head back to the loft now because I think I need to sit down.” He pulled out his stele to draw a Portal rune, but ‘Cas’ shook his head.

“I’ll handle it,” he said, then intertwined his fingers with Dean’s, leaned around Sam, his arm resting against the taller’s back, and touched Alec’s shoulder. And then they were standing in the loft.

“What the _fuck!_” Alec screamed, and his brothers started laughing again. However, Magnus, who’d been chilling in his living room, did not seem to be nearly as amused. He jumped to his feet, dropping the magazine he’d been lazily flipping through.

“What’s going on, Alexander?”

“Apparently my big brother is _dating _an _angel_,” Alec announced incredulously. Thankfully, Sam and Dean weren’t laughing anymore, seeming to finally pick up on how uncomfortable and confused Alec was.

“An angel?” Magnus repeated numbly.

“My name is Castiel,” Cas interjected. “I am an Angel of the Lord, and Dean’s boyfriend.”

“A _male _angel?” Magnus corrected himself. After a second during which everyone in the room stared at him, he cleared his throat and elaborated. “I’m not one to judge, darling, but my gaydar is nearly flawless and as far as I’ve been able to tell you are the straightest straight guy to ever straight-walk the surface of our considerably gay planet.”

Alec nodded. “Yeah, I know that I wasn’t very good at hiding my sexuality when I was younger – the Angel knows Jace knew I was in love with him for several years, despite my best efforts – but I never got that from either of you.”

“Well, first off, Cas doesn’t have a gender,” Dean explained. “He’s in a male vessel, so we call him ‘he’, but he’s a multidimensional wavelength of celestial intent. And also… yeah. I mean, generally, you’re right. I’m usually way more into chicks. Except then I met Cas and I fell in love with him, and that’s about all there is to it. It’s not like he’s my exception, he’s just very much in a minority..”

“And I am, as usual, a whole different ball game,” Sam told them. Dean glanced at him, smirking, and Sam rolled his eyes. “I just don’t care, when it comes to gender. I think everyone is hot.”

Alec looked wild as he turned to his husband. “So anyway…” he trailed off, looking lost.

“An angel, huh?” Clary asked (Alec jumped; he hadn’t realized she was there), approaching Castiel. “You’re the third angel I’ve met.”

“We’ve got a couple on you, sweetheart,” Dean told her. Surprisingly, Dean had really taken to Clary over the past several weeks since the two of them had come back. (He had also really taken to Jace, which was far less surprising in that they had very similar personalities and dispositions, as well as their more… obvious similarities.) “I’ve met almost all of ‘em.” He smirked sideways at his brother. “Sammy here’s banged a couple of the big ones.”

Sam smacked him on the bicep. Alec looked at him. “’S he tellin’ the truth, big brother?” Sam looked down.

“Yeah…” Sam muttered quietly. Alec stared at him when he didn’t make any indication of elaborating.

“_Details_?” he demanded, and Sam snorted.

“I slept with Lucifer and I slept with Gabriel, okay? And by the way, thanks to my curse, both of them are dead.”

Alec’s brain was no longer functioning. “Okay, wait a minute. You- you had sex with _Lucifer_? As in… Lucifer, the devil, Lucifer? Like, fallen-angel-King-of-Hell Lucifer?”

“Actually the King of Hell is a different guy,” Dean interjected.

“Shaddup,” Alec told him, pointing at him menacingly. “I’m talking to your brother.”

“What’s with the Dad Voice?” he heard Dean whisper behind him. He also heard Magnus’ quiet reply of “I don’t know, but he’s mastered it.”

“Lucifer really liked me for some reason. Probably because I’m his destined vessel, born for him to jump my bones and ride around in my skin. This was all way more important in 2010 when the world was ending.”

Alec took a deep breath. “Never mind. I don’t even care anymore. The two of you have just been a big-ass ball of bizarre since you waltzed back into my life and I’m too happy you’re back to even care. Speaking of which… we still need to talk about you leaving in the first place.”

“We didn’t _leave,_ Alec,” Sam protested. “It wasn’t-”

“If you tell me it wasn’t your fault so help me I will _kick your ass_. I still can, you know,” Alec threatened. Then he sighed. “It doesn’t matter! I don’t care anymore. We’ll talk later, get outta here.”

Dean looked at him sideways, but didn’t argue. He just grabbed Mr. Trenchcoat’s hand and dragged him out of Alec’s house. Sam followed him.

Alec ran his hand through his hair, turning back to his husband and friend, who must have been having drinks or something. “Sorry about that.” Clary shook her head at him.

“Don’t apologize, Alec. You haven’t done anything wrong.” She glanced at Magnus for a second before she gently took Alec’s hand and led him to sit down on the couch. “You still haven’t told us what happened. If you want to…” She trailed off, looking at him helplessly. Alec nodded.

“Right, uh…”

~*~*~*~

It feels like it was their fault. I’ve been so sure that it was their fault for the last twenty-five years, because I had to, ‘cause that was how I kept myself sane.

But part of me wonders if it even was their fault.

Dean was twelve, Sam was eight. I was five. I wasn’t even old enough to bear runes. I could hold a seraph blade, though, and I could shoot like a champ. Dean’s the one who taught me how to shoot.

He and I were seven years apart, but it didn’t matter, cause I wouldn’t leave his side. Sam, Dean, and I were inseparable from practically the moment I left my mother’s womb. Dean taught me how to fight – how to dodge and roll, how to punch effectively, how to stand so no one could knock me over. Sam taught me other things, things I wouldn’t have learned if not for him. Things people don’t really teach their soldiers, their warriors, their living breathing weapons.

Sam taught me how to cook. He showed me how to dice onions and cilantro, gave me his recipes for nachos, enchiladas, guac. Yeah, we were little kids and we probably shouldn’t’ve been handling those knives, but it made me so happy, just to be there in that room with my big brother and a bunch of food, making something out of nothing… I think the adults turned a blind eye because they knew we’d grow up with blades in our hands anyway, and they liked seeing us young and innocent and joyful while we still could be.

I used to run around the halls of the Institute screaming their names, daring them to chase me, and they would. We would wrestle in the training room, and Dean would give me piggyback rides to the dining hall. Dean calls me ‘Shrimp’ and Sam calls me ‘Turtle’. Don’t ask why, those are whole different stories, and way longer.

First five years of my life, I didn’t have to be the oldest. I didn’t have to be big and responsible and take care of everyone else. I didn’t have to pretend to be something I’m not just because it’s easier to hide it, just because allowing myself to take a little, to indulge a little, meant being vulnerable and I wasn’t okay with that.

I was just a kid.

And then one day, before Mom found out she was pregnant with Izzy but after she was, this guy showed up at the Institute. He wasn’t a Shadowhunter, but he had the Sight, and I could practically smell the danger on him. And he and Mom and Dad all went into the Institute’s office and talked for a really long time, and then when they came out, Mom looked like she had been crying but she wasn’t anymore, and the man knelt down in front of Dean and Sam and said something along the lines of “I’m your father now. You’re gonna come live with me.”

But they didn’t even fight. I had always been sure that they’d never leave me, or if they did they wouldn’t go quietly. They’d have to be dragged away kicking and screaming. But Dean just shrugged – didn’t even look at me – and went, “okay. Long as I have Sammy.”

That was the punch in the gut. He demanded Sam, but it was like he didn’t even remember that I existed.

I went in my bedroom and I cried, and Dean knocked on my door, I could hear him calling for me. “Hey, Shrimp, what’s wrong? You okay? Let me in, Shrimp.” But I didn’t. Sam forced his way in eventually, and hugged me against my will, and muttered, “I love ya, Turtle.”

And then it was dark for a while. Eventually Mom came in, and she told me they were gone, and I just hugged my pillow and sobbed. After that, I was Mom’s favorite child for about six months, and only because I was her only one. Then Izzy came along, and I was probably a little bit broken from all that. But I decided that I was never going to be like Sam and Dean. I wasn’t even going to let myself remember that they existed. I was just going to be the big brother for my new baby sister that I had thought I had in the two of them, the big brother that I wanted them to be for me.

And I never told Izzy about Sam and Dean, either, because Mom told me not to, and because I didn’t want her to know anyway.

~*~*~*~

As Alec finished explaining, Clary put her hand on his shoulder sympathetically. “I’m so sorry, Alec. That’s… that’s horrible. I can’t believe they could do that to you.”

“It…” Alec heaved a sigh. “It wasn’t really their fault. I don’t think. It’s just so much easier to blame it on them instead of on _John Winchester_, because I _know _them. It feels more like I’m getting the justice I deserve if I can pin it on the two of them.” Abruptly, he felt tears streaming down his cheeks. “I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do.”

Magnus was at his side immediately, holding him, and Alec let himself break down his walls for just a couple of seconds, just enough to fall forward into his husband’s gentle grip, to cry on his shoulder.

“It’s okay, Alexander,” Magnus whispered. “I promise it’s going to be okay.”

~*~*~*~

It was good to be able to share some of that load with other people. Alec had been carrying all the shame and guilt and anger from that day with him for so many years it felt like it’d become a part of him he couldn’t remove. But now that he’d finally been able to talk about it… it was quite the relief.

And then when he went back to the Institute and found Sam and Dean sparring against Jace and Simon, who were (as always) in perfect sync, and pretty evenly matched, he watched his family from the doorway, and when Jace had Sam pinned against the floor and Dean was basically straddling Simon, he froze.

_My family_.

Of course they were his family. Sam and Dean were his siblings _by blood_, Jace was his _parabatai, _and Simon was… well, Simon was Simon.

Dean saluted him mockingly from the floor as he strolled into the room, arms crossed, smirking. “Damn good job, Jace. Guess I’m still the only one you can’t beat.” Jace stuck out his tongue and Dean tucked and rolled away from Simon. Alec stood over him, extending a hand for him to haul himself up. “Don’t sweat it, man. Dean is the best hand-to-hand combatist I know – after myself, of course.”

“Oh, you wanna go, Shrimp?” Dean demanded. Alec shrugged him off.

“Not right now, old man, but if you’re still up for it in a couple of days, I’d bet you twenty bucks I can get you on the floor in five minutes.”

“Hey, chill out,” Sam called from where Jace still hadn’t removed his forearm from his throat. Alec gave a nod and Jace stepped away from him.

“No, really, that was good. Kudos all around.” Alec turned to his younger older brother. “C’mere you asshole, you haven’t hugged me yet today.” Sam grinned and meandered over to him leisurely until he was within arm’s reach and Alec grabbed him roughly.

This was all the apology he could give right now, but it seemed to be enough, at least from the light in Dean’s eyes over Sam’s shoulder. Alec smiled at him to let him know he was forgiven as well – at least for the time being.

“I love you, man,” he muttered, and his tone made it clear he wasn’t just talking to Sam.

And for just a moment, everything was perfect.

~*~*~*~

And then, as Eugene Fitzherbert says in his role as narrator in the Disney classic ‘Tangled’, that moment ended.

~*~*~*~

So many missions, over the course of the past several months, that Alec had taken with Sam and Dean, in comparison to so few with Jace and Izzy, who at least used to be his go-to team. He knew it wasn’t exactly fair to his friends, but part of him felt like he was making up for lost time. These were his brothers, and on the basest level, he needed more of them in his life.

But Izzy was totally right when she cornered him on his way out and told him to come straight to her when he got back. She was totally right when she followed him with her sad gaze, wishing he was actually paying attention. She was totally right when she called Jace and asked him to come over and bring whiskey.

She was totally right when she gave Alec that disappointed look and told him that she missed him.

“It’s like you don’t have time for anyone else anymore. It’s like suddenly, Sam and Dean – these two people who I’d never met, who just, what? Walked out of your life a quarter of a century ago and now they’re back like they never left? – It’s like they mean more to you than the people you grew up with, the ones who were actually there. Why is that, exactly?”

Alec hung his head. “No, I… I’m sorry, Iz. I’m so fucking sorry. I just… I have to feel like I’m doing something, like I’m making up for all the time I didn’t have two older brothers, but… if I don’t, Izzy, if I just went back to my daily life, my anger, my pure, irrational rage, would consume me until I don’t know anything else. You have no idea what this is like-”

“Yes I do,” she replied quietly. Alec’s head snapped up. “I know you had issues with Dad, and I don’t want to invalidate that, but you forget that I carried his secret for months. I never said anything, to you or Mom. I still have a grudge against him for that, you know. And I’m sure it’s nothing near the extent that you feel toward Sam and Dean, but it’s still there and it still _fucking hurts_, Alec. So don’t tell me I don’t know, because I do.”

Alec took a deep breath. “You’re right, of course,” he murmured. “You’re always right.”

“What am I right about?” she asked.

“I need to talk to them.”

She sighed, wrapped her arms around his neck, and hugged him tightly, possessively. “You were my big brother first,” she whimpered against his neck. “You were my big brother when it mattered.”

He put his hands on the small of her back and pulled her closer. “You were the first sibling who cared enough. And it matters, you know. Okay, Iz? You matter.”

“I know,” she whispered, her breath ghosting against his skin. “I know.”

~*~*~*~

“Hey there beautiful,” came Magnus’ slightly muffled voice from the other side of the door.

Dean was prepared to walk past, but what Alec said in response stopped him cold.

“Hey babe.” He sounded so weary and tired. “I… I need some advice about my brothers.”

Dean shared a look with Sam, who shrugged. If they wanted a private conversation they wouldn’t have left the door ajar. (It was entirely possible that Sam and Dean were horrible people. In fact, it was very, very likely.)

They edged closer, peering into the room.

Alec was sitting next to his husband on the couch against the wall of his Institute bedroom. Magnus was holding one of his hands and Alec was staring at a point on the wall, as if he wasn’t actually seeing it.

“Izzy thinks I should… I don’t actually know what Izzy thinks I should do. But she told me to stop repressing my anger, which is something. But it’s not even fair to them, at least… it doesn’t _feel _fair. It feels like they deserve better. But then on the other hand… they didn’t even protest, they just went with him. And I’m sure I should hear their side of the story, but I don’t know how I feel about them right now. And I just need a second opinion.”

Magnus didn’t speak for a long moment, just stared at Alec with a look that was very familiar to Dean. It was the one he always wore when he looked at Cas, as if he were trying to drink in every single detail of his face so he’d never lose them. It was a look that spoke volumes of love and affection, and Dean had never approved more of Alec’s choice of husband than he did in that exact moment.

But then he murmured, “tell me about them.”

Alec took a deep breath. “Sam was my favorite person in the world. I wanted to _be _him when I grew up. He’s the one who taught me how to cook and how to lie and how to be a person in all the ways that matter. He taught me empathy, more than anyone else did. He gave me a little pendant once, like a little bronze face with horns on a leather cord, and I treasured it for almost three years… and then they left and I… well, I threw it away. But Sam was my hero, and I loved him _so much_, it was like an ache in my chest that only got worse when he was gone and I had to cut myself off from any and all Sam-related thoughts because I would have torn myself up if I didn’t.

“And Dean… Dean was my first crush, in that weird way that people get crushes on their family members before they really know what a crush is. He was just this powerful, immovable like, force of nature, and it didn’t seem like anything ever got to him. And he was absolutely brilliant, too, like my brother is a fucking _genius_! Both of them! But Dean is a genius in the places nobody sees. He can create an EMF meter out of a busted Walkman. And nobody’s ever told him how crazy smart he is, so he thinks he’s just the muscle and Sammy is the brains. And here I am, _praising_ him, like he’s a god… Jesus, I don’t even know.” Alec fell forward, burying his face in his hands. Magnus rubbed soft, soothing circles on his back with his palm.

“What do you want to do?” Magnus murmured. Alec shook his head.

“I want to make them apologize. But that’s never going to happen because god knows I could never make them do anything and there’s no way in hell they’d apologize on their own. If I’m being really honest, I always knew that they didn’t love me nearly as much as I loved them. If they even loved me at all.”

Sam pulled Dean away from the door, and Dean took a deep, shuddering breath. Sam looked him straight in the eyes and Dean felt his throat constricting.

“We fucked up, Dean,” Sam murmured, and Dean grabbed him, pulling him in and hugging him as hard as he could. Because Sam really wasn’t wrong, he wasn’t wrong at all.

They had fucked up.

~*~*~*~

“You alright, Turtle?” Sam asked as he strolled into the living room of the loft, Dean on his heels. Alec shuddered. They were so close, they were so _similar_… and he’d never be that. He was never on their level, he was never worth anything close to as much as they were worth to each other, and it didn’t even matter because Alec loved them so much that he really couldn’t be anywhere near them ever again because he’d never be what he wanted to be to them.

And the nickname was a whole different thing. He wanted to shy away, to reject the label, but it felt like an olive branch. Like maybe Sam was saying he _did _love him.

_Don’t ‘Turtle’ me_, he wanted to say. _I’m not your little brother anymore. I’m not your Turtle. I’m a grown-ass man and I don’t even know you._

But instead, he replied, “yeah, Sammy. Yeah, I’m fine.” He offered a small smile, and Sam shot one back.

Alec took a deep breath, and Magnus gave him a reassuring look and mouthed _you got this _at him across the room. Alec smiled gratefully at his husband.

Yeah, he’d be fine. Magnus would make sure of that.

Sam and Dean sat down in an identical motion, and it pulled at Alec’s heart again. Just another reminder that he would always be _other_. Sam and Dean would always choose each other over everyone else in the world, and Alec would just have to get right with that.

“You sure you’re okay, Turtle?” Sam asked, leaning forward concernedly. Alec sighed and sat down across from him.

“I mean… maybe. I’m not sure. I’m just, I’ve just been sad lately.”

“Why?” Dean inquired. “D’you know?”

Alec’s breath was coming shakier and shakier by the second. _Chill the fuck out, Alec, _he thought to himself. “I uh, I don’t know where I stand with you. Because I missed the shit out of you two, and now you’re back and I love you but you’re… different. And a lot has happened, to everyone, since the last time I saw you.”

He was proud of himself for making it through that neutrally and without screaming. But then Dean took one of his hands and looked at him gravely.

“It’s okay, Shrimp. We’re here now. We’re your brothers, and we love you, and we’re right here.”

And for some reason that was the last straw. Alec snapped. He wrenched his arm away from his brother and announced, “except that I don’t care that you’re here _now_. You weren’t here when I needed you to be! And I have _tried_, these past months, I really have, but you haven’t apologized to me! For _abandoning _me, for leaving me behind in this life and just fucking off to pretend to be mundanes. I never asked for this, never wanted it. Not until _Magnus._” He jabbed a finger in the warlock’s direction for effect.

“For eighteen years, I hated my life, hated Shadowhunting, and hated _you_. And you haven’t apologized for leaving.” Sam and Dean’s faces were carefully blank, but underneath the precisely crafted masks, Alec could see the flickers of shame and regret.

“And you haven’t apologized to Izzy, either, for fucking her up. For leaving her to grow up with one big brother instead of three. I’ve never been good enough for her, and she deserves the fucking world so it woulda been nice to have you guys here, too. Not that I was ever good enough for you, either. And you haven’t apologized to Max.”

Dean’s voice cracked and shook when he spoke. “Why do we need to apologize to Max?”

Alec fisted his hands in the sides of his pants in a futile attempt to calm himself down. “Max was nine. He loved anime and manga and comic books and graphic novels and he wanted to be _just like _Jace when he grew up because Jace was strong and fearless and powerful and Max couldn’t remember a time when Jace hadn’t been around. He was sweet, and innocent, and gentle, and everyone who laid eyes on him loved him _instantly_. Max was our baby brother – all three of ours, and Izzy’s too. Do you want to know what _happened _to Max?”

Both of Alec’s brothers shook their heads in unison, and then there was a beat of silence. Finally, Sam bit the bullet, sighing. “What happened to him?” he whispered, sounding fearful of the answer.

For the first time ever, in all the years that it had been since his brother died, Alec released his anger. He’d expressed his sadness and regret over it, but never the boiling rage inside of him that never went away. It sprang to his fingertips and he harnessed it, flung it violently at these two men.

“Max was fucking _murdered_,” he informed them coldly, all the pieces finally clicking into place. There were no more tears and no more shaky voice, he was just Done. This was the kind of anger that made him feel like he was in control, this was the kind of anger he could _use. _“In Idris. By Sebastian Morgenstern. If you two had been there, if he had had five Lightwood siblings there instead of only three, odds are at least one of us would’ve gotten to him before he was stabbed. But you weren’t there, and Max died.”

Alec’s shoulders heaved as he panted heavily, hating every single second of this conversation.

“So no, I haven’t forgiven you yet, and I doubt I ever will. Please leave my house.” He didn’t know when he’d made that decision, but in the moment he was utterly confident in it. He would not keep making excuses for these two people who had brought him so much suffering.

“Alec-” Sam started, but Alec cut him off.

“I don’t know what you could possibly have to say that hasn’t already been said.”

“I love you,” Dean offered.

“You’ve said that already. Next?”

Sam exhaled slowly, his shoulders slumping in defeat. “We’re sorry, Alec,” he murmured. “We shouldn’t have left. And We’re sorry to Izzy, and-” he choked off for a brief moment, and it sounded like he was about to cry. (Alec hadn’t seen him cry since he was seven.) “We are so, so sorry about Max.”

“Thank you,” Alec said steadily and genuinely. Then he pointed to the opposite wall. “There’s the door.”

Sam spared him one last miserable glance over his shoulder as the boys filed out.

Alec slumped down on the couch and didn’t move for several hours. Magnus curled his body around him and held him tightly to his chest.

“I love you, Alexander,” he whispered into Alec’s hair. “I love you so much.”

**Author's Note:**

> Aww, poor Alec. And poor Sam and Dean, too. He's being a little bit unreasonable... or is he? Tell me what you think in the comments!
> 
> Love,  
-Fake Dean


End file.
